Leaving

No one talks about how hard it is to leave. Especially when Leaving is the only choice you get to protect yourself. To save yourself from disintegrating into parts you don't quite recognize. 

We don't often talk about how hard it is to leave when your heart feels like it's being ripped out of your chest. As if all the stars align just to witness what a mockery you make of yourself. As if the promises of your past selves look towards you in disgust. For not honoring their integrity, the sanctity of those words, for leaving.

 
You don't leave for fun; you leave when staying costs your peace.

 
You leave when the future you once envisioned seems like nothing but a bleak memory. And that cuts deep. Probably deeper than the thought of that one person not existing in your life anymore does. 

Death by a thousand cuts is all those memories dancing in macabre. 
Death by a thousand cuts is the promises of eternity fading into a reality of non-existence. 
Death by a thousand cuts is waking up knowing that one person will not be waiting for your eyelids to open.
Death by a thousand cuts is attempting to move on with life with reminders of him haunting each corner of your room.
Death by a thousand cuts is holding the polaroid in your hands knowing your first polaroid will serve as a souvenir from a home you can no longer return to.

No one talks about the pain of the one who abandons yet there is no win. How do you win in love?
Staying at the cost of sanity and leaving at the cost of your person.

 
Blurred winds howl, scream and revolve around you and in that cyclone of nostalgia you weep and wail. There is no answer, no winning in the game of love. You lose or you lose.

~h.